Throughout the years, I've had only a few real relationships. Others were not so real, only having lasted a week or a couple of days, sometimes a month if I were "lucky" enough (I'd rather have not had those short-lived relationships). Those aren't even worthy of being called relationships. Those short-lived ones were mostly women who couldn't commit for several excuses they gave: 1) When I was in the Army and they couldn't deal with the distance, 2) they claimed to be ready for a relationship but later on decided they suddenly weren't ready, or my favourite 3) since I was going to be a pastor once upon a time, some of them told me they felt they'd never be "good enough" for me since their faith doesn't "measure up" to mine, and even though I'm not studying to be a pastor anymore they still say that, which is the most absurd thing I've ever heard. Very few of those short-lived "relationships" have been my fault, which the few times they were have been when I didn't feel anything as more than friends. One can hardly blame me for that and being honest about my feelings, though.
The older I get, the more people ask me, "Why are you single?" Being 25 (almost 26 in 29 days), I get asked that question more and more, especially with my younger friends getting engaged and married. Funny enough, the only people who ask me this question are women, mostly single women who want nothing to do with me. Men don't care why I'm single (why would they?). Anyway, I would either answer with, "I don't know," or "I haven't found someone awesome enough yet," or "Because no one's willing to commit." Those are all true, but there's a more real reason why.
It'll come as a surprise to many of you that I was engaged 6 years ago. Most of my family don't even know, and only because I knew they wouldn't approve. Her name was Erin. She wasn't the first time I fell in love; she was just the first woman I asked to marry me, who said yes. I didn't care that she was tragically raped and had a beautiful daughter out of it; I truly loved her and her daughter with everything I had to give, and I was fully prepared to give them everything, however little that was. I didn't tell very many people I was going to marry her because who would agree with a 20-year-old getting married, especially to a single mother? I knew nobody would understand how I felt for her, and I still believe no one can understand how I felt for her.
Obviously, I'm not married, so what happened? I was 19 when I graduated high school back in June 2009, and this was while Erin and I were still dating. A month before that, I graduated high school, I auditioned for the U.S. Army Bands to be a professional saxophonist, and I passed. I wasn't going to ship out until February 2010. As I was about to move on with my life into new and better things, I began to think about what any good boyfriend should with his girlfriend: the future of our relationship. I knew I loved her, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with her. So, in September 2009, I did what any self-respecting man would do when he's in love: I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. I didn't have a ring. After all, I was in high school and had no money, but she didn't care; she just wanted to spend the rest of her life with me as I did with her, or so I thought.
I turned 20 on January 31, 2010, and 11 days later I left for basic training. To keep the story short, here's what happened: While I was at basic training, she married a guy I've never met and she got pregnant with his kid. Yeah, let that atrocity sink in... To make matters worse, I didn't find out until a month after I graduated BCT, and it was her best friend who told me. So, needless to say, I called off the engagement. It took a couple of years, but I forgave her. Ever since that moment, I had a darkness, a sort of void in my heart. It didn't matter how much time I spent with God, I couldn't fill it, so I filled it with a copious amount of meaningless relationships throughout the years.
So, the big question: Why am I single? I'm a college student, and I don't plan on living in Michigan my entire life. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to be looking for an out-of-state job. To expect that I might meet someone here who would love me enough and be willing enough to follow me out-of-state when we're not married is stupid. Just as Erin did what she did during my life transition into the Army, I can't trust any other woman to stay faithful during my upcoming transition when I graduate college and leave Michigan. If we were married, it'd be a different story, because I wouldn't question her commitment and dedication. But I graduate in a year and a half, so it's also stupid to expect that I'll find someone to marry in that timeframe, despite the fact that several people I know have gotten engaged in a 3-6 month relationship (why this is becoming more frequent for people my age is beyond me).
So why am I single? Because it's not my time to be with someone because of where I'm at in life. Sure, I would love to have a girlfriend, but like I said, I plan on moving out-of-state after graduation to pursue my career, so it would be stupid of me to start a committed relationship and expect her to follow me. I'm not expecting to meet anyone like that, and I'm not going to try and find her because she doesn't exist; I've tried it before and she married a guy I don't know in the 9 weeks I was gone and got pregnant during that time. I'm tired of women being unfaithful to me all the time, so I'm just minimising my chances of that happening again. Maybe I'll find her after I graduate, start my life afresh somewhere new, and have stability in my finances and work life.
As much as I would love to be with someone right now, right now is just not my time. It would take someone extraordinarily amazing to make me change my mind.
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