A Pattern of Unrequited Love

What is love, that it runs from me?  It eludes me, and I grow frustrated.  In my loneliness I am tortured by watching nearly everyone I know enter love relationships, engagements, and marriages.  There must be something wrong with me — some affliction that causes me to be unlovable.  I wish I knew what it was so I could fix it.  I find a chance to finally be loved, but it's always pulled away from me.  I feel as if God is laughing at me as He pulls them away, saying, "You can never have such treasure."  I know it's sinful of me to think of God in such a way, but nevertheless that's how I feel; which is forgotten, meaningless, unwanted, inadequate, and unlovable.  And God's not doing anything about it, despite my years of prayer.

Where Am I Going?

After much consideration, I have once again decided not to pursue the pastoral office.  In short, my passions simply lie elsewhere.  My faith in God remains unblemished; my faith, however, in being called to the pastoral office has finally run dry.  I do, however, feel called to the ministry in general, just not the pastoral office.  Of all things, I find my passion lying in Marketing and Human Resource Management, perhaps because they both have psychological practises inherent in them, and I've always been heavily intrigued in psychology.  With my call to ministry, I plan on using my marketing skills and knowledge in outreach ministry.

I had a spurt of genius several weeks ago, if I have any authority to call it genius, in combining the two fields into what I call Human Resource Marketing.  The details and research are all recored on a Word document.  I don't plan on sharing my research and ideas publicly lest somebody steal them.  This is how I will make a positive impact, not my spiritual whims as a prospective pastor since no one listens to me on such matters.

I'm not the biggest fan of memes, but I saw this rather humourous meme that said, "Being 18-25 is like a video game where you skip the tutorial and you're in the middle of the game with no idea what you're doing."  Being 25, I found it funny, and it has some truth to it.  All I know is where I want to go and what I need to do to get there, but I still don't know where I'm going.

I don't normally entertain such puerile beliefs in fate or luck, or anything from among the host of superstitions that many cling to, but I am incredibly "lucky," or fortunate, to be where I am today.  No, not fortunate — blessed.  Luck is the most quintessential human delusion.  It is a term that people created to justify good and bad things happening to them without just cause — things they fail to fathom.  God seeks to bless me even though I sin continuously, and it just adds to my guilt.  Here I am, a miserable sinner, undeserving of any prosperity, and yet He continues to bless me in spite of my disobedience.  Perhaps it's because I repent constantly.  Though I am contrite in my sins, and yet continue to sin anyway, He still sees it fit to bless me and protect me.  I am unworthy of such blessings and protection.  The mercy of God is unfathomable, thus He is the greatest Enigma.

God's Handiwork

Whenever I view the stars in the night sky and perchance see streams of the Milky Way galaxy, and whenever I look at photographs of space captured by our most powerful telescopes, I cannot help but be amazed at how amazing and powerful my God is.  He created all that we know in the universe, and infinitely more that we are unaware of, yet to Him we are His most beautiful and adored creation.

We see the celestial bodies and colourful conglomerations of the heavens as masterpieces.  Yet in God's eyes, we are His masterpiece.  What a loving God!  Out of all He's created, He wants relationship with us and sent His Son to die for us in order to reconcile us to Him after we rebelled against Him and continue to!  No love is greater than the love of God.

Psalm 19:1, The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork.

The Power of Words

I remember the racist words spoken to me and the many times I got beaten up in kindergarten just for having darker skin.  I remember specific times when people called me stupid and that I would fail, including teachers.

Words have the power to build up and destroy.  It's hard for me to recall specific words of encouragement than it is to remember words that tear me down.  Why is this?  It is the Devil working against me.  He wants me to forget that I'm chosen by God (Colossians 3:12).  He wants me to forget the extent to which Christ loves me (Ephesians 5:25).  He wants me to forget that God is my Provider (Matthew 6:25-34).  He wants me to forget that God is my strength and Protector (Psalm 18:2).  And he wants me to forget that I am God's child (1 John 3:1).

I may be unable to recall kind words people have said to me, but I call to mind what God says about me.  He says I am forgiven, loved beyond measure that He died for me, that I am not forsaken, no longer lost but found, and that I am redeemed of all my sins.  God's Word says all those things about me and more.  God's Word is so powerful that He created everything out of nothing.  And that same God loves me and died for me just so I can be in relationship with Him and be with Him rather than perishing in my sin.

New Years Resolutions, A Futility

Why don't I make New Years resolutions?  It's simple, really.  It implies that I need drastic change.  If I do need a drastic change, I don't need to wait 365 days to use the New Year as an excuse to change my bad habits; any day of the year is good for that.  Waiting until the New Year to change is just an excuse to enjoy your bad habits as much as you can before January 1st arrives, and when it does, do you really follow through?  And if you do, for how long?  Besides, I'm pretty happy with who I am — the battles I've won and the battles I've lost, all of which have made me who I am today.  The battles I've won, I learnt what I'm good at.  The battles I've lost, I learnt from those mistakes and failures and used them to overcome.  And none of that would've been possible without Christ.

Sure, I have flaws, but they're a part of me.  If you don't like those parts of me, well, I wasn't born to be perfect according to your high standards as to what constitutes a perfect and tolerable human being, which is inordinately subjective from one person to the next, so I would have to constantly readjust my actions and behaviour just so I can be adequate in each person's eyes.  I have high enough standards for myself as it is, so no need to add your weighty standards to the burden.  But whatever I may think of myself, or whatever you may think of me, means nothing, because all that matters is how God sees me.  How does He see me?  Worthy to be loved, redeemed, and adored, despite my many failures.

Why I'm Single

Throughout the years, I've had only a few real relationships.  Others were not so real, only having lasted a week or a couple of days, sometimes a month if I were "lucky" enough (I'd rather have not had those short-lived relationships).  Those aren't even worthy of being called relationships.  Those short-lived ones were mostly women who couldn't commit for several excuses they gave:  1) When I was in the Army and they couldn't deal with the distance, 2) they claimed to be ready for a relationship but later on decided they suddenly weren't ready, or my favourite 3) since I was going to be a pastor once upon a time, some of them told me they felt they'd never be "good enough" for me since their faith doesn't "measure up" to mine, and even though I'm not studying to be a pastor anymore they still say that, which is the most absurd thing I've ever heard.  Very few of those short-lived "relationships" have been my fault, which the few times they were have been when I didn't feel anything as more than friends.  One can hardly blame me for that and being honest about my feelings, though.

The older I get, the more people ask me, "Why are you single?"  Being 25 (almost 26 in 29 days), I get asked that question more and more, especially with my younger friends getting engaged and married.  Funny enough, the only people who ask me this question are women, mostly single women who want nothing to do with me.  Men don't care why I'm single (why would they?).  Anyway, I would either answer with, "I don't know," or "I haven't found someone awesome enough yet," or "Because no one's willing to commit."  Those are all true, but there's a more real reason why.

It'll come as a surprise to many of you that I was engaged 6 years ago.  Most of my family don't even know, and only because I knew they wouldn't approve.  Her name was Erin.  She wasn't the first time I fell in love; she was just the first woman I asked to marry me, who said yes.  I didn't care that she was tragically raped and had a beautiful daughter out of it; I truly loved her and her daughter with everything I had to give, and I was fully prepared to give them everything, however little that was.  I didn't tell very many people I was going to marry her because who would agree with a 20-year-old getting married, especially to a single mother?  I knew nobody would understand how I felt for her, and I still believe no one can understand how I felt for her.

Obviously, I'm not married, so what happened?  I was 19 when I graduated high school back in June 2009, and this was while Erin and I were still dating.  A month before that, I graduated high school, I auditioned for the U.S. Army Bands to be a professional saxophonist, and I passed.  I wasn't going to ship out until February 2010.  As I was about to move on with my life into new and better things, I began to think about what any good boyfriend should with his girlfriend:  the future of our relationship.  I knew I loved her, and I couldn't imagine my life without her.  I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with her.  So, in September 2009, I did what any self-respecting man would do when he's in love:  I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.  I didn't have a ring.  After all, I was in high school and had no money, but she didn't care; she just wanted to spend the rest of her life with me as I did with her, or so I thought.

I turned 20 on January 31, 2010, and 11 days later I left for basic training.  To keep the story short, here's what happened:  While I was at basic training, she married a guy I've never met and she got pregnant with his kid.  Yeah, let that atrocity sink in...  To make matters worse, I didn't find out until a month after I graduated BCT, and it was her best friend who told me.  So, needless to say, I called off the engagement.  It took a couple of years, but I forgave her.  Ever since that moment, I had a darkness, a sort of void in my heart.  It didn't matter how much time I spent with God, I couldn't fill it, so I filled it with a copious amount of meaningless relationships throughout the years.

So, the big question:  Why am I single?  I'm a college student, and I don't plan on living in Michigan my entire life.  As soon as I graduate, I'm going to be looking for an out-of-state job.  To expect that I might meet someone here who would love me enough and be willing enough to follow me out-of-state when we're not married is stupid.  Just as Erin did what she did during my life transition into the Army, I can't trust any other woman to stay faithful during my upcoming transition when I graduate college and leave Michigan.  If we were married, it'd be a different story, because I wouldn't question her commitment and dedication.  But I graduate in a year and a half, so it's also stupid to expect that I'll find someone to marry in that timeframe, despite the fact that several people I know have gotten engaged in a 3-6 month relationship (why this is becoming more frequent for people my age is beyond me).

So why am I single?  Because it's not my time to be with someone because of where I'm at in life.  Sure, I would love to have a girlfriend, but like I said, I plan on moving out-of-state after graduation to pursue my career, so it would be stupid of me to start a committed relationship and expect her to follow me.  I'm not expecting to meet anyone like that, and I'm not going to try and find her because she doesn't exist; I've tried it before and she married a guy I don't know in the 9 weeks I was gone and got pregnant during that time.  I'm tired of women being unfaithful to me all the time, so I'm just minimising my chances of that happening again.  Maybe I'll find her after I graduate, start my life afresh somewhere new, and have stability in my finances and work life.

As much as I would love to be with someone right now, right now is just not my time.  It would take someone extraordinarily amazing to make me change my mind.